April 1, 2010, 10.30.a.m. Atlanta GA, USA. At a press conference held at Capitol Hill today, CDC spokesthing, I. M. A. Robot handed out a press release taking responsibility for deaths and huge numbers of autoimmunity from the Gardasil vaccine, as well as the epidemic of autism, and for covering up brain damage in children, and adults from aluminium, thiomersal and other vaccine ingredients.
"We admit we have been completely wrong and that we lied." said Ms. Robot.
In answer to a question from the floor about the changes in vaccine pamphlets renaming "vaccine reactions" to "expected effects", Ms Robot admitted that over the years, "phrase trading" as it's known, had been a very successful decoy which resulted in most parents now believing that when really bad things happen after vaccines, it's expected, and the resultant damage is always completely coincidental.
Ms Robot voluntarily proferred that, "All CDC vaccine recommendations in the last thirty years, have been the result of pharmaceutical lobbying, dining and whining."
She admitted that the current vaccine trials using another vaccine as a placebo, and including only really healthy babies with no known health issues, while excluding babies with any health issues, had no relevance in the real world where those vaccines were used.
When asked why she was resigning, she said, "My vision had been to cancel all compulsory vaccination programmes for either children or adults, and hand back the right of choice to the people themselves. I also wanted to withdraw all vaccines from the market and pay unlimited compensation to vaccine victims worldwide. When it became obvious that an underground contract had been taken out on my head, I decided to hold this public press conference in order to ensure my survival."
Ms Robot said that a few weeks ago, she had been offered exorbitant remuneration by a vaccine manufacturer, to help a recent ex-CDC Director, Dr Shepherding increase the groups targetted for massive vaccine sales in the future.
When told that the CDC was reported to be in shock and as yet, has not appointed a successor, Ms Robot said that she expected them to slap a writ on her, as soon as the CDC lawyers had resuscitated those who had choked, and dried the coffee out of their computer keyboards after they had read her press release.
When asked what her next career move would be, Ms I.M.A. Robot said , "I will change my name by deed poll to I.M.N. Lightened, and have accepted an offer of a job as spokesthing of Age of Autism."
With thanks to Michael Belkin.